Today I thought to myself "why be creative when writing a post, when you can shamelessly pillage the ideas of others?" It's time to have a nice little chat with all the lost souls who have haplessly meandered into this site via The Google. What a nasty shock it must have been for these poor, poor twisted (and odorous) people...
And I have not made any of these up...
Keyword: Tight Fannies.
A tight fanny? Here? What you *will* find, my friend, is a tightly written explanation of how Fanny, in Britain, refers to one's Front Bottom (vagina, or punani, if you will).
"Whatever. Is it tight?" You ask. Well, thanks to an emergency C-Section, things are not hanging as loose as they could be, thanks for asking. I also have retained that precious (and minimal) control of my pelvic floor. No Depends for me. Yet.
Tight Back bottom? (Buttocks or Ass, if you will). We're working on it.
And speaking of Punani...
Keyword: Writings of Punani Poetry. (huh????)
OK. Not wanting to disappoint, here goes:
Fanny. Thy Name is Punani.
Let me wax upon your beauty and your beard
And derive of thee sensations of itch and (re)growth
Keyword: Cesearian Incision Stink
Lady. I bet you think I think my C-Section Incision doesn't stink. Well it doesn't. However, here's some advice. During those first few days where you rarely shower, shuffle around in hospital robes, and excrete fluids from pretty much all outlets, well, let's put it this way: It's not the incision, OK? It's YOU.
If you are pretty sure the incision does stink, however, get to the hospital STAT! Clearly you are rotting away from within. You will need your insides scraped out, sterilized, and dumped back in again. (feel free to refer them to this site).
Keyword: Jane Seymour's Living Room
How disappointed you must have been when instead of lovely, lovely Janey's "interior decor" you instead discovered front bottoms, leaking boobs, and stinking incisions. So sorry. Jane's interiors are much more soft-focus and must surely smell of freesias and lavender. I prescribe a healthy dose of Lifetime and Chabby Chic before bed.
Keyword: Frigging Ginger Root
You seek not Ginger Root, but Frigging Ginger Root. Are we using the term adjectivally ("I've got to find some frigging ginger root if my ass is going to be saved in time for this Asian-Themed dinner party")? Or are you perhaps using it as a verb? ("I need to see some Hot and Gnarly Ginger Root Action. Now. One-on-One. Oh Yeah. You like that don't you bitch?)
Keyword: Pruitt Vince Belly
Awwww. Seems like someone's got a thing for Pruitt Vince's tum-tum. I do not judge, truly, but can't help you there I'm afraid. Would you like to see this? (Hey. You're not the ginger root perv are you? Oh. All right. Just make it quick.)
Keyword: I Hate Sting (I get this one a lot)
You do? Me fucking too. And not just because of that Somner's Tale, New Agey shite.