11.18.2006

"Hail most dear ... Cesarean!"


First, allow myself to introduce myself – I am the ginga’s gauche, somewhat Slavic-looking, intertextual husband (who loves his Dad Gone Mad T-shirt, BTW) here to tell you all, I must tell you all, that a new prince is born yea unto us all, on this Thursday past, 16 November 2006 at 10:47pm, by emergency C-section. We went into the hospital (which is now called a Health System, you know) to be induced at 2:00pm, and after Pitocin, a successful epidural (with Baby#1, Joy had two and neither worked!) breaking water, multiple episodes of Bringing Home Baby and Top Chef and some good pushes, the monitor showed consistent decelerations of the baby’s heart beat, which meant that the umbilical cord was probably pinched.

Let the wild rumpus start! In technicolor:

So the doctor came in (stinking of gin ... dadadada Rocky Raccoon) the room to say very serenely, “the baby doesn’t like it. It’s time we took you up.”

Joy: “OK.”

Next, a nurse came in and said very serenely, “We need to turn you over onto your back.”

Joy: “OK”

Then another nurse came in and said very serenely, “I am here to shave you.”

Joy: “Can I have a Brazilian?”

(bedum ching! I thank you) .

After taming Joy's unruly mane, they then whisked momma down the hall in her bed to the O.R. while I was trying to put paper scrubs over my clothes; they entered some doors that I was not allowed to go through for prep. When I was allowed in, I was walked over to Joy, who was angled ever so slightly so that blood was rushing to her face. Her body was veiled from the neck down, much like a magician’s assistant who is about to be sliced in two; all the while faceless doctors and nurses were making noise and moving about on the other side. A chair was provided for me, and the anaesthetist insisted that I sit, but I preferred to stand, to which she replied that I had better not faint(!). She then started prodding Joy’s belly with what looked like tweezers, asking “Can you feel this? How about here?” (All very high tech you see at this health system) To each, Joy responded with yes, somewhat anxiously. Meanwhile, they were doing something new on the other side of the curtain, and Joy began saying a little more vehemently, “I CAN FEEL THAT!!” It was the only time I saw her actually a bit afraid. The anaesthetist then asked, “Is it worse than the contractions?” and that’s when Joy said she realized she would feel some things but not to worry.

Yada yada yada – twenty minutes later, I was asked if I wanted to see the baby being born; apparently, no one was worried I might faint any longer. I felt a doctor give Joy’s belly a bit of a shove, I heard another doctor say “I’ve got him!”, I looked over at my wife’s belly, which resembled something more akin to a dissected specimen from a highschool lab, and watched as the doctor pulled out one of the biggest purple babies I have ever seen: 10.08 pounds. 21+ inches long, and an equally massive head that was shaped like a pear. His umbilical cord was in fact completely wrapped around both legs. Joy’s doctor said it was actually lucky that his heart rate had begun to decelerate because had it not, we would have progressed with a normal vaginal birth, but because of his size and the cord position, there would have been many serious complications later (he was also face up, which means the birth would have been even more prolonged and complicated).

After all his vitals were checked and the amniotic fluid was sufficiently pounded out of his little lungs, they inked up his little feet and pressed them on my shirt – one impression makes it look like he has six toes on one foot, something I may use to embarrass him later. I then walked him over to Joy, who was still partially veiled, and she kissed his little head. When she spoke, he would turn toward her too. (squish squish) To this lovely scene of familial bliss, I add only that Joy commented that her brand new baby boy resembled Pruitt Taylor Vince, and sadly, he does ... for now ... we hope. (see image above)

Big brother announced his not-so-wee sibling is “so cute!” and brought him a Lightning McQueen balloon the other day (“actually, I will show the baby the balloon but he’s too little to play with it, so I will take it home”).

Momma and baby are doing very well, and although Joy has a new scar for show and tell, she says she feels better than she did with Baby#1: not nearly as exhausted and much calmer (I think it may be the vykoden). They return home tomorrow, Sunday, when the task of screwing him up really begins.

40 comments:

toyfoto said...

Oh welcome young man, and welcome, Joy, to the emergency c-section club. May her recovery be uneventful and filled with lots of good things.


Congratulations!

sweetney said...

woooo-hooo! FINALLY! Congratulations Joy and Frank!

xoxoxo

Blog Antagonist said...

Congratulations! That's a big baby. My last one was 9lbs 3oz, and he was very tightly packed in there. Hope you have a speedy recovery and kisses for your new baby boy!

Anonymous said...

Congratulations! I was going to woohoo, but Sweetney beat me to it. I was so glad to see Gingajoy light up in Bloglines at last and to read of the new arrival's, err, arrival. All the best to the whole family :-)

DD said...

Oooh. Oooh! Congratulations on a your new baby Boy! I certainly hope that any potential pictures posted later do not look anything like the one here (hoping for much, much cuter).

They really should throw in an electolysis treatment with c-sections, shouldn't they?

Anonymous said...

Congratulations!! And take care of yourselves for the recovery.

I had a c-section too... the doctor said he doesn't usually shave but for me he just had to (ie I'm a hairy beast apparently)... I felt the need to inform him that the hair had migrated up during my pregnancy; it didn't used to be like that!

Country Mouse said...

Welcome and congratulations!

Anonymous said...

Congratulations! (My first was a 10 pound boy. I know that's big!)

Anonymous said...

Congratulations, sweeties, and welcome, welcome, sweet little boy!

K said...

10lbs? She's a true champion!

And daddy should start a blog. He's hilarious -- or is mommy feeding him this from bed?

I'm going to have to get more on this whole "shave" thing...

Hmmmmm...

Many congrats and well wishes.

MrsFortune said...

Woooooohhooooo!!! I'm doing tons of happy dances over here. Welcome to the world, big boy!!! (And wow, what a courageous husband, posting about his wife's pubic hair. I thought only we were allowed to do that!)

Ele said...

Nice post Frank - great news on the baybee, Excellent, Excellent, Excellent. Congratumalations, and well done Joy :-)

Mega Mom said...

Wow, I really need to echo everyone else here. That was some wonderful birth story given by someone who will surely need to do more guest posting in the future.

Thank you so very much for informing us. Glad to hear everyone is doing well. My last one was 9-9...10 pounds...whew! Congratulations to the whole, happy family!

Oh, and when we had our second boy (after the first being the most perfect, gorgeous specimen of a child) he came out looking like a mini Karl Malden. Now my husband (not so secretly) says that he is the most handsome. CONGRATS!

Kelly said...

sweet! congratulations!

neva said...

Whoa... Wow... and Woohoo! congratulations to you all!

HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY and FRANK FRANK!! xoxo

Anonymous said...

Now that's a nice sized baby! I too am part of emergency C-section club. Congratulations to the whole family and a speedy recovery to Joy.

Her Bad Mother said...

WAAAAAAA - HOOOOOO!!!!!

Big big hugs and sloppy kisses. For everybody!!!!!

s@bd said...

can i have a brazillian?!

brilliant.

ozma said...

CONGRATULATIONS! And there was much rejoicing.

I thought I was so cool because of my nearly 10 lb. baby Mongo but damn, 10 lbs. 6 ozs. Right on!

Amber said...

Congratulations on the healty baby, but sorry to hear about the c-section. P & PT for a quick recovery!

Anonymous said...

that's a big baby!

Congrats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sween said...

Congratulations on the little one!

And in the immortal words of The Snapper: That's a good-sized baby. [...] Small turkey, though.

neva said...

by the way, in my haste to add my congratulations to the both of you, i failed to compliment you, Frank, on a post well... er... posted. i laughed, even as i felt Joy's pain (my second was almost that big and i had the pleasure of popping him out the "old-fashioned" way... that said, thank goodness Joy's doc was able to detect the problem in order to bring your new bundle of joy safely into this world.)

'tis a wondrous thing, a baby. and you're right... now that Mum & tadpole are home, the *real* fun begins! (i'm sending a few friends -- who are supposed to be "feeling the love" right about now -- over from the Snark to say "hi", hope you kids don't mind!) xoxo

OddMix said...

Congratulations to you both! Joy, you should let your husband guest-post every so often; he's not half bad.

mamatulip said...

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

(I love the Rocky Raccoon reference...)

Anonymous said...

Congratulations on the arrival your new prince! Enjoy that sweet, fresh baby scent.

Mary Tsao said...

Wow, that's a healthy baby! Congratulations to you -- glad everybody's doing well.

themikestand said...

Yay! Congratulations to everyone.

I was hoping the headline might read:

"Brit and Slav Give Birth to American. Brazilian Denied."

mamadaisy said...

woohoo! congratulations! so glad the big little guy is healthy. i hope you are up and around soon.

Nancy said...

Congratulations to you all! Welcome to the new prince of the household!

macboudica said...

Conratulations to both of you!

sunshine scribe said...

Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jenny said...

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!

sweetney said...

ahem. so how goes it, kids?

your public anxiously awaits word. [insert sound of foot tapping here]

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Elizabeth said...

Congratulations Joy!!! If you need anything, anything at all, you know I'm less than a mile away and would LOVE to help out.

Hilarious post, Frank! You should start a blog.

ozma said...

Just coming by to see if you had posted pics of little awesome yet!

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Mom101 said...

Oh my gwwwwwwwd!

I take two weeks off, come back and now, THIS! I'm just so so so happy for Joy, for the new little guy, and for having a husband who's such a delicious writer. Between the two of you, I predict a future Eggers on our hands here? Sedaris? Name your fave...

Mazel Tov, all of you.