9.15.2006

blogarrhea

One thing that happens when you begin to post as infrequently as I do (I'm working on it) is that when you do get around to writing, you end up cramming in a series of mini-posts under one heading so you can pour forth all those nifty little post-ideas you've had over the last week.

First off the bat. Reasons to be cheerful: A little earlier, Husband called, and uttered these beautiful words...

"I've cleaned the whole house"

I would charge home and ravish him on the spot right now, if it weren't for the fact that I am at present physically repellent...which brings me to....

Suggestions for "What to Expect in the Eighth Month" chapter in that book.

First, that tiny paragraph on "stress incontinence" does not quite do it, ok? A helpful image like this one might do a better job at explaining what happens when you have a bladder that is, let's say, "under pressure."
Some of my observations of the "bladder-under-pressure" include (but are not limited to):

Fill a sample pot at the OB's office with the minimum of fuss? Fat Chance. When your flow has transformed from a healthy horse-like stream to a sort of sporadic and multi-directional spurting, then you'd better get on the rubber gloves and have your paper towel at the ready. It's going to get messy. Try not to look too shamefaced when you exit the bathroom leaving that "moist" deposit. They've seen it all before, and then some...

Nocturnal emissions (of wee, you pervs). These are frequent, as we know. This is well-documented, and commonly experienced. However, a recent development on that front, I feel must be shared. If you're like me, and like to give yourself an "airing" down there over the night (i.e. no knickers with your nightie, because your mummy said this was a way to "stay clean") then you might experience this also. The "sprinkler effect" combined with an ever-expanding stomach that makes a thorough "wipe" a slight challenge. This can mean that a return trip to the bathroom for a "second wipe" is in order.

Let me try and put this in plain terms. The wee spurts and leaves droplets all over the place--even right up your... (sometimes). You think you've got it all, and schlep comotose back to the marital bed, but by the time you get there, trickling sensations down the legs notify you that your technique was--yet again--off.

I will not get into the more commonly experienced, and already documented "issues" of wetting one's self at the drop of the hat--a sneeze, a laugh, a cough. We can take this as a given. Maybe keigels can save me. If I actually do one now and then.

Oh, and on the emissions front. This is not the only region "leaking." This morning I made the delighted discovery that breastfeeding might not be such a challenge this time around, because apparently these titties are good to go. I discovered this after reading that book and being informed that leakage could indeed happen. Being of the morbidly curious sort, I gave the left one a bit of a squeeze (as you do) and "voila!" Dinner's up! I was both thrilled and slightly grossed out.


And speaking of food...

Last week I regaled you with the angst of my cake-making endeavors. Let me say that "from scratch" at 9pm last friday night turned into "From a box....with homemade decorations." And it was a masterpiece, let me tell you.

Note the genius use of Candy Corn to represent "safety cones," the subtle verisimiltude of the zoning (chocolate sprinkles and yellow icing); And no, those are not bricks! I used caramels to cleverly render a roadside building under construction.


Yes, I am clearly going insane. The smell of chocolate fudge is still mildy repellent to me. But actually (and don't tell anyone) I rather enjoyed myself;-) And Boyo had a fabulous birthday, but even he is a bit "off" chocolate icing right now.

31 comments:

metro mama said...

Ah, I remember those last weeks of pregnancy...not something I want to repeat anytime soon!

Naomi (Urban Mummy) said...

SOunds like we are in the same boat! I'm 9 months now...who ever said that pregnancy was 9 months? 40 weeks = 10 months. TEN LONG MONTHS.

Yes, i'm 36 weeks, and ready to get this baby OUT.

macboudica said...

Hang in there, only a few weeks to go.

Awesome job on the cake! When my daughter was four (a lifetime ago, it seems) I made her a castle cake with ice cream come towers, a chocolate bar draw bridge, and jelly bean turrets. Stangely enough, I enjoyed myself, too.

bubandpie said...

Ah, yes, those wonderful urine samples once you're at the point that you can no longer see what you're aiming at! Such fun...

And nighttime airing out of the parts! My mom never told me about that one... (See, you do learn practical tips on the blogosphere!)

Oh, The Joys said...

That cake should win a prize! I have to confess that I live in fear of the day when I will be expected to step up to the cake decorating plate. I have cake decorating anxiety attacks because I am so sure I will fail. My child will say, "What the *^*&* is that?!"

MrsFortune said...

First of all, that cake ROCKS.

Second of all, that damn book pissed me off royally while I was pregnant because it made everything seem so "okay" and I'm like, um, hello? Pee? Everywhere? Several times I thought my water had broken but it was really just that I didn't make it to the bathroom in time.

Good times.

lildb said...

that cake is a dream. I could eat it all, if I were selfish enough to suggest such a thing.

hey! check it out - I *am* that selfish!

yeah.

and I'm glad you have dinner ready for your new babe. and that you're getting close. :p

doow said...

How on earth did you get to 8 months this soon? It feels like just yesterday that you announced baby number 2 was on the way. Ok, maybe not yesterday. The day before yesterday.

Also, that is one mighty fine cake!

Mom101 said...

Oh my God, that cake is amazing! I was so stunned, I just grabbed Nate in the middle of his football game (oops) and said Look! Look at this! Of course totally forgetting that blogs, and the content of them, is pretty far down on the list of things that interest him while the game is on.

But I'M impressed!

Mommy off the Record said...

I like how you smoothly transitioned from pee leakage to booby leakage to cake making. This stuff is all in a day's work isn't it? LOL

The cake looked fabulous. Way to go, mommy!

sunshine scribe said...

Stress incontinence and brilliant cake creations all in one post! It doesn't get much better than that my friend.

ozma said...

Yikes. Eight months. Time just slows to a crawl. I remember that eternity. Glad to hear the boobs are good to go, though. Hope you have an easy last month.

I am astounded at your cake-making AWESOMENESS. That is one picture you can pull out when your kid hits his teen years and starts to become ungrateful. Just say: I was SUPERMOM and this cake is the evidence!

Her Bad Mother said...

You MADE that cake?

I salute you. I also demand that you make ME a cake.

(My mother made me an Oscar the Grouch cake - imagien what kind of kid I was - when I was in fifth grade. It was made almost entirely of icing because his head needed to be round but she couldn't fashion a round cake. So she made a tiny little square cake and piled a big mound of green icing around it to look like Oscar's head poking out of his trash can. So, all icing. Which *sounds* like a good idea to a nine year old. Until the sick happens.)

Ele said...

I remember my birthday cakes were always awesome. The same as my brother's. Once I had a barbie (the cake was her skirt) and Chris had a tank, with liquorice markings, and I had ballerina cakes and all that. (All from scratch might I add). The cakes still make me pleased with how much effort went in to them (read: how jealous my fellow six year olds were). The only issue for my mum was that when we got slightly older she tried to palm us off with Tesco's finest BOUGHT cakes - there was no way were taking that crap!

Ele said...

Oh, forgot to add that the cake looks AWESOME!

virtualsprite said...

What a fantastic cake! The candy corn for traffic cones is brilliant!

My sympathies on the late-pregnancy woes. Definitely time to keep your eyes on the prize.

Merry Mama said...

I'm sorry my comment has nothing to do with your culinary abilities or incontinence issues, the one which I am jealous of, the other I am all to thankful to have finally overcome with my sixth and final pregnancy behind me by 402 days.

I wanted to congratulate you on your well-written "thesis" over at Urban moms. And, hopefully, my readership through such a well-declared post. You won my approval and interest.

Marmite Breath said...

I want that cake!
I just tried to make Nigella's chocolate marmalade cake. Unmitigated disaster in the visual department, but very tasty indeed!

I remember a card that my sister sent me in the last few weeks of my first pregnancy. She just wrote, "Don't worry, she'll be here soon." Somehow, it made me feel better. I know the pregnancy is long....hang in there, chuck!

michelle/weaker vessel said...

Dude! Most excellent cake. All the blog mommas I've begun visiting this year have made me extremely ashamed of my store-bought ways.

I simply cannot believe you are 8 mos preggo. It seems like just a few weeks ago when you spilled the proverbial beans. Damn! This year has gone like a flash. Best of luck with your wee-directional issues. Not to sound like one of those Our Bodies, Ourselves fascists, but do your kegels, young lady. Believe me, I know of what I speak.

mothergoosemouse said...

That cake is INCREDIBLE. Who cares if it wasn't from scratch? Those decorations - the creativity, the time invested, the pounds and pounds of chocolatey goodness. I'm awed (and filled with a strange longing to make a cake).

I always found it terribly unfair that they expected me to catch a sample of urine in that teeny tiny cup when I couldn't even SEE where the urine was coming from. Which meant that I peed on my own hand each week. Which is just one more humiliation in the long string of humiliations that pregnant women are forced to endure.

Hang in there.

neva said...

your cake was a thing of beauty and thanks for sharing, girlfriend... because now i don't feel nearly so lame for the cakes i bake/decorate for *my* family!

as for your laundry list of maladies associated with that 8th month? i'm sure i'll have something sage to say once i stop laughing long enough to articulate it! actually... remember i ran & did aerobics right up to B-day, girlfriend... 2 things help that urination-inclination: keigels (they are your friend, and you can do them *anywhere*!) and panty liners, which you might want to use in actual panties, even at night. not sexy, but then, neither is pee running down your leg, so, you know... use 'em!

i'm thinkin' about you, lovely Joy, and i hope you're doing well. oooh and i just glanced over at naomi's comment, and my SECOND child was late, too. (may you never know the frustration of a full extra month in "any day" mode.) xox

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Lisa b said...

That cake is genius.

Kelly said...

That cake is fucking awesome.

kittenpie said...

Oh my god, that is one FANTASTIC cake!

Ha, the one thing about Pumpkinpie never dropping that I was quite pleased about was that she never put any pressure on my pelvic floor. No incontinence for me. C-section, yes, but at least I can sneeze and the only fluids escaping will be out of my face.

Mocha said...

Your brand of "homemade" is the same as mine. Who, in their right mind, has time to MIX UP A CAKE AND DECORATE LIKE THAT? No one, I tell you. No one in their right mind.

You're so brave for writing about nocturnal emissions. I thought talking about my panties was risque.

But maybe that's just when Kennimus is wearing them.

Have I said too much?

Nancy said...

Hey, I've been thinking of you -- how are you doing??

p.s. -- that cake looks SCRUMPTIOUS.

sweatpantsmom said...

That is an amazing looking cake. I can't bake to save my life, so you have impressed my pants off.

The last cake I baked (or tried to) never rose and came out looking like a twelve-inch square of solid tar. Oh, and it tasted like it, too.

sweetney said...

that cake is the rulingest.

the orange safety cones almost made me squeal.

Jenny said...

That is the most awesome cake EVER.

Anonymous said...

Oh, the urine samples at the OB! Joyful experiences, those. The worst for me is that as the belly expands, one's view diminishes, and trying to aim blindly into a small cup with the sprinkler-effect is quite a challenge. I think at my last visit I got more on the outside of the cup than on the inside. Poor nurses.