Dad Gone Mad, that's who. I have decided to "out" him here, not because he is in want of any readers, but because I've noticed that none of *you lot* are stalking him like I am (or at least I don't think you are). Apart from MotherGooseMouse, who turned me on to him in the first place (and she, like, knows him).
Actually, this post is mainly for my (Hot) Husband, who had to listen to me lamely try and paraphrase some of his posts this morning before work..
Me: "he's, like, sooooo funny. one time, his kid wanted to watch Power Rangers, and he said "no" and he said the kid went "batshit...." or somethin'
Him: mmmk. Is that a word?
Me: YES! that's a word. For a tantrum. A funny word. OK, another time, his wife is away on a trip, and to make her feel guilty he makes sure to block the kid's t.v. when she calls, and so all she hears is wailing, and he is totally engineering it, and, like, it's totally funny.
Him (not seeming convinced enough for my taste): That does sound pretty funny
Me: It IS.
Despite my shitty ability to recount the hilarity (in much the same way as you never want to hear me try and tell a joke) DGM is dead dead funny. Excellent spinner of the yarn. Think if Bad News Hughes procreated and found himself with 2 preschoolers, or if The Sneeze was three halves Personal Blog...
"I have kept a watchful eye on the fracas in the Middle East because anytime another brouhaha bubbles up involving Israel, the sphincters of Jews around the world begin to tighten just a little bit more."
I'm thinking that anyone who was forced to go to Hebrew or Catholic School as a kid will relate to this one... Or anyone with deepseated fear of carnies...
"Sometimes I stand in my living room and just sort of freeze there for a moment, taking stock of the hell these two children have wrought. How can two people whose combined age is less than 10 and whose combined height is about even with my nips and whose combined intelligence is hardly sufficient to know NOT to rub shampoo on their eyeballs create such havoc and chaos? Were it not for the fact that one of them looks exactly like me and the other looks exactly like Hot Wife, I’d be thoroughly convinced that the stork was wasted and delivered the wrong baby to our door on two different unfortunate occasions. Join me, won’t you?, as we spend a run-of-the-mill Sunday with The Champ and The Artist Formerly Known As Barney’s Biggest Fan..."
Yes, join him. You won't be sorry... You'll be delighted, amused. You might wee your knickers.
Also last week and my current favorite:
"Hot Wife has embarked on my great annual nightmare, known vaguely as her “girls trip.” For the second consecutive summer, she is enjoying a relaxing and luxurious vacation with a gaggle of her girlfriends while I stay home from work and try to prevent our children from shoving Hot Wheels cars up the dog’s ass."
Ladies who ever dare to hope for "girls trip" of one's own--check out malevolent tactics DGM uses to induce maternal guilt trip and arm yourself. We have to give a begrudging hand to the "stand in front of kid's tv when mommy calls home" tactic, though. Evil, but genius evil.