7.17.2006

Karma and the Can

I always love to do a post right after I have got off the phone complaining to my husband how I simply have waaaaay to much to do at work, and, WAAAAH, people keep bugging my in my office and on the phone and "How's a high-level exec like me going to cope??* and "anyway-can't-talk-now-as-impossibly-busy-and-important, buh-bye, i looooooove youuuuuuuu.....!"

But then, THEN, I have an experience I feel I must share immediately, while the moment remains raw and naked fear still grips me! This is what real writing** is about, dammit, carpe diem and all that. And after what I have just experienced, there's going to be a whole lot of carpe dieming going on around here, let me tell you.... For I have just stared death in the face, gazed into the porcelain abyss (if you will) and the vehicle of my mortal decline is to be none other than a faulty lavatory.

Seriously people. I just flushed the office toilet (being polite like that) and the thing fucking EXPLODED with a noise I can only compare to rapid incoming fire. Well. One shot of rapid incoming fire.

I nearly soiled myself. (how appropriate). (And no, that would not have been the first time i had the opportunity to pee myself within the immediate vicinity of the toilet arrangements, but this time it was not circa 1989 and I was not tripped out on heady cocktail of amphetamine/booze at some warehouse "party." This time I would be like person you see on film/t.v. with pee trickling silently down leg to signify deep and primal fear. BTW, did you know that when you die, the first thing you do is "evacuate bladder and bowels"...? Yeah, there's always that to hold on to)

So, no... the toilet did not physically shatter into pieces. But it was seriously loud, like big fucking ammunition.There is no flooding or even the fire brigade to involve (much to my "I need validation" chagrin). Just me standing in the staff-loo going "wha??? huh??? FUCK!!" and grabbing at any passing staff-member "did you hear that, did you HEAR that???" "the explosion...yeah, there was an explosion... uhm...forget it..."

And then picturing my own demise, and my husband having to explain to my son that "mummy loved him very, very much... and...well she was killed by an exploding toilet..." OR "mummy is resting now, but her bootie-butt will never be quite the same...."(Boyo's current favorite word: "bootie-butt." We have no effing clue why, as this is not a term we use freely to refer to arse-cheeks in our house).

The headlines! Imagine the headlines! (because I am so very important, headlines will surely be involved). "Faulty toilet system blamed for tragic death of young mother." Too awful to imagine (but I'll try). "PhD Dies in Freak Lavatory Accident: U authorities promise to clean up their act..." (snort)

I just called maintenance, and apparently the explosion can be attributed to various "airlocks" that are in system after water was turned off over weekend. And I am not the only one to "have been alarmed..." This means that somewhere, across this building, there are people who are silently suffering like me. People who have nearly experienced ass-explosion. Am now off to establish support group for those affected.


*no, i am not a high level exec. i have used the term here for dramatic effect. i am in academia--we shun management-like titles. and order. and accountability in the workplace. luckily for me.

**and by "real writing" I mean blogging, where something as banal has having the toilet make a loud noise can become instantaneous fodder for blog post read by tens of avid readers.

18 comments:

toyfoto said...

I know what you mean about real writing. But I am SO glad I have no clue about exploding loos. My heart skipped a beat for you.

DD said...

As long as the toilet was recently cleaned, I could die happy. However, porcelin and pooh? Not so happy.

DD said...

As long as the toilet was recently cleaned, I could die happy. However, porcelin and pooh? Not so happy.

Mother said...

I have issues with toilets right now. I'm on them way too much thanks to some shitty (ahem) food on Sunday.

Mom101 said...

I am laughing so loud! And then I realize, I'm laughing at your expense which makes me stop. No...no, it doesn't. It makes me laugh louder. But I'm not a bad person, I swear. It's just that you're a great writer.

Glad you survived the toilet. That would be a worse fate than dying in a mysterious kiln accident (name that flick).

mothergoosemouse said...

Ass explosion - dude, I am STEALING that one.

Seriously, I hope the toilet did not spew anything at you. That would have been REALLY horrifying.

Her Bad Mother said...

We are clearly united by some cosmic force, to have both been so recently motivated to write (and in my case, after a severe case of blogger's block, or blogstipation) by matters scatalogical.

Nothing like poo to get the creative juices flowing.

Jenny said...

Hee! There's a toilet in the office next to mine that wails like an angst-ridden man in a horro film when flushed. I actuall thought there was someone in the bathroom with me the first time I heard it.

neva said...

my dear, i believe you have elevated "potty humor" to a new height. and i mean that in the *best* way possible! as much as i abhor internet shorthad, may i just say... lolalolalol!!! because i am laughing out loud and laughing out loud and laughing out loud!

shit... i mean crap...no, i mean shit! and i thought that video i linked to in your last post was funny (did you watch it? because it was fucking hilarious, tho' not as funny as you are!) now i want a video of you in the loo. and, no, i'm not kinky. well, not in that way...

bravo, girlfriend, great post! xoxox

virtualsprite said...

Oh, that was too funny! My sympathies on the exploding loo. That really had to be traumatic.

Yeah... real writing. I should be doing that now, too. Oh, well. This is more fun!

doow said...

I'm very, very glad the toilet didn't kill you. Thank goodness it was just air pockets. What a, ahem, what a load off your mind.

macboudica said...

How traumatic--and Funny! And to think there are others out there--good luck with the support group.

sunshine scribe said...

I just cholked on my drink because I was laughing so hard. Your near death experience almost casued mine. Exploding loos. You crack me up.

Kevin Charnas said...

HHAA!! I had this vision of you being pelted in the melon (your head) with a flying turd!
I'm glad that it was just airlocks...
I would hate for my demise to be met with exploding turds...talk about karma...I'D BE PISSED! some pun intended.

Nancy said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I just about fell off the couch laughing... "mummy is resting now, but her bootie-butt will never be quite the same..." Do you think life insurance will pay out for a tragic potty accident?

joel said...

that was an awesome post! just awesome...still laughing.

ozma said...

"there's always that to hold on to."

Thanks! You've reduced my lust for death considerably.

That's scary. And I know the terror. In fact, I got a job that lets me experience the terror constantly. But your results are much better than mine!

The Grandmother said...

July 22, 2006
Hello:
I am in Salinas, California. In January I flushed in the restroom of a fast-food restaurant and the toilet exploded, blowing off the porcelain back. It broke into chunks, one sliced into my hand. I was rushed to a nearby hospital with a severe laceration. A plastic surgeon arrived 4 hours later to sew it up. I've been told not to expect more than 3 times the amount of my medical bills in a settlement.
All the plumbers have to do is lock the restrooms, then flush a few times (testing) before unlocking.
I envy you. I cannot laugh about my accident. I still run out of restrooms in public when the toilet is noisy. Someone's Grandmother