6.09.2006

Postcard to Future Bloated Miserable Self

I think I might be a tad unbearable right now, because I feel I am now transformed from nauseated, exhausted, bitchy and wildly hormonal woman into second trimester diva.

And folks, let me tell you, I AM GORGEOUS.
Oh. Yeah.

(and no, you're not getting a picture because taking a pic would likely shatter this all-too-fragile sense of self importance. nothing like encountering one's digital image to be abruptly brought back to reality)

The reason I write this post is to conduct an anthroplogical study on myself, for I write secure in the knowledge that in, oh, say mid-to-late August I will be spewing diatribes about how fricking ENORMOUS and SWOLLEN and BOVINE I am, and OH Poor Me I Still Have Three Months to Go. So it will be interesting to see the contrast. So interesting.

The other reason I write this post is to be insufferable and shove it down your throats that I feel pretty.

Because, let's face it, while all of us can bond over feeling less than happy with our body images (amen) how often do we get a chance to say "you know what, I am sizzlin' right now"? If someone female compliments you on looking good, it is much more appropriate to say "really?" and mutter something along the lines of "you should have seen me try and squeeze into blah-blah" than to say "Yeah, I KNOW." OK, that last one would be a little revolting. But you see my point--us leddies bond over mutual frustration with our bodies. And I am down with that.

So, I am currently inhabiting a very alien (and, I know, brief) moment in my life where I like what I see in the mirror. I am in purdy-pregnancy stage right now, what my friend refers to as "Hollywood Nine Months." I have a delightful excuse to let my stomach flop over my jeans. I have a whole new(ish) wardrobe of stylish (these-will-never-fit-me-in-2-months) pregnancy clothes. (Yay for Maternity Goucho Pants!!) I have lost a bit of weight because of the nausea, and so far the llbs are not piling back on at an alarming rate quite yet. And I battled to continue exercising through the first trimester so I could get back on track when my energy came back again. So now I participate with a certain amount of vigor in my aerobics and interval training class, and feel entirely smug about being the lady-with-the-belly in those classes (commence making red-haired pot bellied voodoo dolls now...)

Boobs--nicely reinflated thankyouverymuch, and I can now fill a bra (for once in my life). I even like to give them a surreptitious squeeze now and then to reassure myself of their bounteousness. (this can be embarrassing if someone happens to stop by your office to check on something, so be warned)

Skin--even-toned and zitfree (for once in my life). I also enjoy running my hands over my cheeks in Aveeno commercial style, reveling in its smooth and resilient surface. Sigh...

And so on and so forth.

Fabulousness...

So, I write this as a small gift to myself. You were beautiful once, Joy. Hold on to that, 'K? Because, people, I am SO on borrowed time. I know this as I enjoy a lunchdate with my husband and gorge upon Gyros and Fries. I know this when I suggest a "quick stop at World Market" afterwards to buy my beloved English chocolate--Flakes, Double Deckers, Maltesers--and eat the lot at my desk during the afternoon. I know this when I delve into startling quantities of normally forbidden cheese "uh. for the protein, and the calcium..." I know this as I sleep in on Saturday mornings and "oops" miss the 9am "cardio buffet" at the Y.

Yep, this lady is ready to blow, so you've been warned. And let me apologize in advance for all the ensuing posts about water-retention, nothing fits, sleep positions, "I've not pooed in 6 days and I am afraid, very afraid. Hold Me." posts to come... I'm sorry, so sorry.

p.s. I did have some amusing images to add to this little account. pictures of linen-clad, softfocus pregnant ladies. and doubledecker choc bars, but please imagine them instead as blogger is not letting me post them.

p.p.s. Grrrrr... I am ready to break up with blogger, anyone else??

22 comments:

toyfoto said...

Take the picture anyway. I did and I can honestly say ... looking back at it, I WAS never more beautiful than at that very moment.

And to Blogger ... You are free so I can't really hate you too much. Although, I do. Anyway. Now, if someone allowed easy and free transfer of all archived material, you'd be left alone to pine in your suckyness.

Amen.

Mega Mom said...

Me too, me too, me too, me too. I am looking good. Better than non-pregnant. Go us.

Now we need to go shoot ourselves b/c we are annoying :)

macboudica said...

Early 2nd trimester is definitely the best part of pregnancy. Enjoy and feel good while you can. Wouldn't it be nice if women could walk down the street, "Hey, you look hot." "Thanks right back atcha!" Unfortunately, even the thought of it is just kind of creepy.

bubandpie said...

I had such a HUGE GRIN on my face the whole way through this post! Thanks for helping me relive some of that second-trimester joy (oh with the bad puns! I cannot be stopped today!).

As for Blogger - at least it's such a bonding experience to suffer together through adversity. Whenever I get the "engineers are working round the clock..." screen I think of all of us bloggers out their shouting obscenities at their computer screens in unison.

bubandpie said...

"...out THERE" (not their). I guess I should be grateful my revenge-hungry students aren't around to catch that one.

Amy (binkytown) said...

How beautiful that you choose to celebrate this moment! Hurrah & congrats. I agree- take the picture. You'll look back and smile :)

motherhooduncensored said...

I saw some totally cute preggo the other day and I couldn't stop staring at her. She probably thought I was a freak.

I loved this post. Now to read the other 16 I've missed.

mamatulip said...

I looked fucking fabulous during my second trimester with Oliver, and I felt good, too. Like, I felt GOOD.

I broke up with Blogger last night. Ditched it like a prom date.

neva said...

in my mind, you have always been beautiful... i adored being pregnant, for precisely the reasons you've so eloquently outlined here! that glow is not to be trifled with! bask in it, girlfriend... you deserve to!

as for your blasted blogger? you already know how i feel... i "broke up" with it a few months ago, and have never been happier! one of my friends and i decided to start a new site for those with "comment withdrawls" when blogger is down, we're calling it "central snark" (get it? like central park, only snarky, and with less poop and muggings?) by the way, it's hosted on wordpress, which is free (you can pay if ya want an "upgraded" blog, i don't know a lot about it, tho', because my blog is hosted by typepad...)

anyway... You are soooooo beautiful... now stuff a few more fries in your flawless-skinned face, and enjoy!! : D

Her Bad Mother said...

I gained 60 plus pounds and I felt like a giant beached WHALE. But a sexy whale. With big tits. Really.

Photoshop that.

Kevin Charnas said...

oh my god...we have it so easy.
and yes, i want to break up with blogger. i almost started crying and set fire to at least 3 buildings.

sweatpantsmom said...

You go girl - I'll bet anything your uber-fabulousness lasts way past childbirth.

Mom101 said...

Ah the second trimester bliss. Glad you are gettiing the most out of it. Unfortunately I spent a lot of mine on bedrest so even when I felt pretty, it was just me n the mirror. You shout it to the world, mama! I bet you look beautiful as you say.

It's okay, Sweetie said...

Ho ho ho! Did this make me laaaaaaagh. Thanks for that. I needed it this morning. Rock on with your bad self, girlfriend!!!!!

Jenny said...

"Hollywood 9 months". I love it. I couldn't wait until I had that big belly to let hang out of my jeans like Gweneth Paltrow and then my doctor put me on lovenox injections in the stomach and I ended up with disgusting bruises all over my tummy. Enjoy the Hollywood 9, darling...you deserve it!

Ele said...

When you preggers with beautiful child number one, I remember my dear mum sending you a book of 'what the doctors and your mum are too scared to tell you about pregnancy' style wisdom. I conducted a momentary glance through this volume, the words of which reduced me to the foetal position in panic-horror-fear of my body turning into a baby-making machine. Until then my pregnancy-indoctrination had consisted of a)it will happen to you and you are not a real woman if it doesn't and b)pregnancy is a wonderful time where you will 'glow' and swan around looking gorgeous and being adored by everyone. I am very very very glad to be reassured that there is some of the latter amongst the nausea!

Lia said...

magical magical pregnancy - has such a hold doesn't it - so exciting for you and it makes my cells ache remembering. Congrats.

Mocha said...

I'm guessing you are fabulous is any state.

You know I'm going to tell you to free yourself from Blogger. Everyone seems to be having trouble. Elizabeth (table4five) made the switch.

EVERYBODY'S DOING IT.

WordPress has been good to me. Either way, I say take the pic. I'll bet you look back on it and think you really did look good. If you're Hollywood Nine Months then label your picture "Joy, Nine Months" and no one will have to be the wiser.

Izzy said...

With my first pregnancy, I glowed through nearly the whole thing and I really only looked puffy and weird and got these bizarre Angelina lips near the very end. Second one...eh. Not so hot. But I will always have the photos from #1!

And enjoy the English choclolates! I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Flakes!!!!

sunshine scribe said...

I am ready to break up with blogger too.

I miss how I looked when I was pregnant and finally had legitimate cleavage. Enjoy every minute of it you hottie, you.

lildb said...

I think it's perfectly delightful that you have decided to own your gorgeousness, and shout it from the rooftops. Yay!

I applaud your unabashed glee. And your unabashed chocolate-and-cheese consumption. And boob-squeezing habits. And skin-caressing adoration.

Do. It. Up.

zeldafitz said...

Ahhhhhh, how refreshing to hear a woman celebrate herself, ESPECIALLY when pregnant. I can't believe all these skinny women who say they don't want to get pregnant because they don't want to get "fat." Huh?

I loved being pregnant too, every minute of the first two, and most minutes of the third--up until the very end when I SWORE I would never do it again. I loved the healthy flush of skin, the smug nonhangover, the thick hair and feeling like a Special Person just because I was carrying a child.

Sniff...