6.17.2006

Ode to (un)Hipness

(Cue flashback music) Early Spring 2002. Newly pregnant 30 yr old self takes solo trip to see Mummy and Daddy in Old Blighty. Mummy, anguished that she will not get to spend 9 months experience with only daughter spoils her fucking rotten and buys shitloads of stuff for the baby and for her, including hip wardrobe of maternity clothes. Including T-Shirt with slogan "Kickin'" emblazoned across the front. (Get it?? Kickin'? Get it??? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!)

Joy feels like world's most hip and trendy pregnant lady, and returns to Michigan decked out in Euro-Trendy maternity gear... Kickin' T-Shirt by far most prized possession--looks GREAT with flared maternity jeans and bowling shoes. None of that floral tent-like shit for her.

(Flashforward to Late Summer--50 llbs later, 95 effing degrees. Am permamently in floral tent-like shit as too fucking hot to wear anything else. And these quivering white thighs are NOT seeing light of day in alarmingly enormous pair of maternity shorts recently purchased. I could blind someone...)

Present Day. Faded Kickin' T-Shirt deep source of shame and embarrassment. Relegated to gardening and slobbing about the housewear. Why in the HELL did I think this thing was hip? Spend significant amounts of time dwelling upon why "Kickin'" t-shirt does not have same allure. Is it because I am mature-Mommy type now? Is it because no 35 yr old pregnant woman who wishes to retain dignity dons garment that makes her look like aging skank/Christina Aguilera fan? Is it because Candidate for State Representative who just came to door canvassing, made big showy laugh over T-Shirt slogan, and commented on how it's "so nice to see so many young people in the neighborhood..."? That's Doctor Young Person to you, Lady...

Will the soul-searching never end? Yes, indeed, pregnancy is such a deeply meaningful and reflective time for all women. I embrace the contemplation, the meditative state of perpetual wonder--interrupted only by the joyful flutter of one Kickin' the shit out of my bladder stirring within.

19 comments:

mothergoosemouse said...

"Young people"? That would have been enough to lose my vote.

At least you made an effort to be hip the first time around. I was too busy eating Reese's cups to care what I was wearing. Nine month orgy of gluttony - woo hoo!

Motherhood Uncensored said...

Dude. I thought I'd be such a hip preggo. However, I couldn't find A clothing item in my huge size, therefore, I was beastly AND unhip.

I love it when your nostalgic.

neva (but don't tell anyone) said...

kickin' post, there, *young* girlfriend!

surprising the way hipness tends to fly out the door when comfort becomes the big priority! sad, but true: not all of us can look fabulous up to the very second our child is born. (go figure.)

honestly, i think i was always *much* more alarmed by the gigantic fucking underwear i wound up squeezing into towards the end of my pregnancies... and i hesitate to mention this, but don't be surprised if it takes a wee bit longer to squeeze back into your un-pregnant panties post-partum. for, not only is baby #2 effectively "kickin'" your level of "hipness", she's kickin' the shit out of your body's ability to return to that pre-preggars state. (just sayin...it takes longer with #2) fortunately? it is SO WORTH IT! (it really is) : D

Mom101 said...

I was literally sent away from a trendy Mad Ave maternity store in tears after the sadistic childless salesclerk told me "I don't think we'll have anything that will fit you."

So you have my full support in whatever you choose to wear as long as it makes you feel good.

By the way, I found a damn skirt there, and just to spite her I still wear it. So ha! Oh wait...shit, I'm 11 months postpartum aren't I.

bubandpie said...

I spent much of my second pregnancy wondering why my maternity clothes looked so much better on me the first time around. Oh, right - because this time I'm eight-freaking-times as large! Finally, around this time last year, I had to give in and confine myself to the size-18 shorts with giant elasticized insert I'd borrowed from a friend, vowing I would never wear them.

Oh, and Mom-101 - I've got two maternity skirts and one pair of shorts (NOT size 18) in this year's rotation, and they're my favourite clothes!

mamatulip said...

I thought I was going to be the most stylish pregnant bitch on the block the first time around. A "yummy mummy", if you will.

I ended up wearing a mumu most days. I didn't even bother trying to look hip the second go.

Jozet said...

Oh dear lordy. Yes. I have officially entered the floral tent stage of the pregnancy. None of my hip maternity clothes fit me. I can't bear to bare my belly. All those smaller sized maternity clothes - the ones that you're supposed to buy in your noraml non-pregnancy state?

HA!

HA! HA!

I tried to squeeze myself into a pair of size M maternity pants. I looked like a sausage girl.

I have 7 weeks to go. I'll be wrapped in a table cloth by late July.

Her Bad Mother said...

Pregancy is only meditative for about 5 minutes. And 'hip' pregnancy is a sick joke for everyone but scientologists.

Mega Mom said...

I thought you and I were at our best trendy stage now! My friend said "you look so cute pregnant" and I said "yeah, NOW!!! I'm only 16 weeks!"

sunshine scribe said...

Ya. I so thought I was a cute, hip pregnant chick. Then I saw some pics of myself and realized .. ya not so much. And not so important either :)

Nancy said...

Oh, man. I had a major wardrobe crisis of sorts between pregnancies. When I was pregnant with my first daughter (born Jan 2002, I was 32) we had a Motherhood outlet less than 5 minutes from my house. A great way to save money, but at that time there was still a lot of the full-panel-belly stuff and big, tentlike maternity stuff in stores.

Having promised my hubs that I'd wear the maternity stuff a second time, I was horrified at the definite shift in maternity fashion that had occurred in less than 3 years. Everything pre-October 2004 was definitely more clingy and there were no more belly panels except on the geekiest of clothing. It was humbling to have to wear some of the same stuff a second time. I had to break down and go get myself some cheap (but decidedly more hip) maternity stuff from Old Navy and Gap.

It's okay, Sweetie said...

Damn, ya'll are making me NOT want to have a second go-round. I have maternity clothing packed away and I DREAD seeing it again. Why didn't I burn it the first time around? I can't bear to spend the money on these hip clothes only to wear them for a millisecond. I'm staying home for 9 months wrapped in a comforter.

Mommy off the Record said...

I can relate to this. I had planned to be a totally hip preggo until I realized that there was no way I was dragging my tired, naseaus, extra large preggo self to the chic maternity store to pay $50 for a t-shirt. Nope. As hip as I had hoped to be, I ended up being more of a flower/tent shirt girl myself.

*oh and thanks for visiting me today and leaving the nice comment. It's great to get visits from new people who AREN'T weilding knives, kwim?

Izzy said...

Oddly enough, I was much hipper the second time around. Probably because I wasn't employed and didn't have to spend a bunch of money on stupid maternity work clothes.

And my God, it's so hot...wear whatever's comfortable :)

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macboudica said...

Man, I was the worst dressed prego every time I was pregnant. I have always gained upward of 50 pounds a pregnancy, even with the singletons, starting to show early in the first trimester and ballooning outwards from there, so I had to basically wear what fit, which amounted to shopping in the local sporting goods store for tents. My fav t-shirt from my last pregnancy was about being a sexy pregnant woman and listed things like bloating and mood swings, etc that made the woman sexy.

Kevin Charnas said...

that Representative's lucky you didn't give that shirt to her as a suppository.

zeldafitz said...

You have brought back a very disturbing memory of some lime green stretch shorts I bought at Target. I felt sort of like a blimped up version Lance Armstrong in them. NOT a good look, pregant or not.

Um, the kickin' shirt sounds cute to me! And if ANYONE uses "young" in the same sentence with something to do with me, they've got my vote.

zeldafitz said...

Uh-oh, a purple paisley 100% polyester hippie shirt is also being summoned from the depths. That was the, "I'm a hippie love goddess Woodstock free spirit carrying a lovechild" phase of gestational delusion...