5.18.2006

just because you're delusional doesn't mean you're not delusional

According to the mighty gods of pregnancy manual lore, it is not standard to feel a baby move in utero until 16-20 weeks. That is unless (What to Expect tells me) you are "very, very slim" or maybe in second pregnancy--but only then, at around 16 weeks. "So stop deluding yourself--it's gas... or constipation. Eat some All-Bran already"

Well. I am at 13 weeks, and I am certainly not "very, very slim"--though first-trimester-and-counting nausea has brought me closer to that ever elusive BMI than I have been in several [cough] years. Sad thing is you can't really revel in your rediscovered bone structure, when all you really want is to actually enjoy your fricking food again, and get the hell away from those noxious fumes of foodstuffs like the odious peanut butter or anything resembling a whole grain. Yup, this lady who prided herself on torturing her family with high fiber cereals, whole grain bread, pasta, rice, and all that other healthy shit (producing pre-grocery-visit store pleas of "can we get some normal cereal. Like Cheerios? Please?") well now you'll find me sitting with a bowl of Honeycomb cereal, or grilled american cheese on cheap-ass white bread.

Please do not plague me with your stinking food of nutritional value. Please pass the Cheeze-Its. And let me say I love my doctor, who, when I mentioned that I was eating like shit because I felt a bit like shit, said "Aww poor thing, you are just wanting the safe and bland food of childhood. Of course you are. Don't even worry about it..." These are words I treasure safely as I watch Honey We're Killing the Kids and chomp through a family-size box of Jujy Fruits. (And then I wonder why I feel a bit sick....) (sidenote: who the hell gets a family to shift to "eating more fish" by producing squid on the first meal?)

So maybe it is constipation. But I don't think so. Since 11 weeks, I have been feeling something.

Sproglet is on the move....

Yes, I am pretty sure of my dates, because unlike the first one, this pregnancy actually was precipitated by a little planning on our parts. And now, at 13+ weeks, and I sit and type this, there is something distinctly Bo-Jangly going on down in these here parts, and I am thinking we might end up birthing a magnum-sized baby (goodbye pelvic wall!) with impressively long arms and legs. Either that, or he/she is of the acrobatic, athletic sort (which produces pleasing image of in utero Cirque de Soleil, but without the fetishism)

Anyway, Sproglet, you are a mover and a shaker, and like your gorgeous brother, don't much pay heed to what the manuals say. Welcome to the loving chaos that is your family, and don't get any ideas about the Jujy Fruits. Jujy Fruits, Jelly Bellies, and Dove Bars are the special things that mummy eats when pressed fertively between the food cupboard/fridge doors. It's apple slices and raisins for "treats" when you hit that age 'K?

Addendum to "poor me, I am nauseaus" pity-party. Have just returned from lunch with friend, where I managed to ram an alarming quantity of california rolls and green-tea icecream down my gullet. Goodbye cheekbones, and heLLO Ms. fatty-fat-fat. I've missed you, baby.

25 comments:

doow said...

Ok, what's a Dove Bar? You're not really eating soap, are you?

neva said...

now see? i think a woman is just more aware of things in her second pregnancy, which is why she actually does feel movement before the experts say she's supposed to! i mean, i don't know about you, joy, but i couldn't wait to feel that first "flutter" (like goldfish bumping the side of a plastic bag filled with water, right?).. so i say you did, indeed, feel that youngin', and good for you!!

that said, maybe there is something to be said for early movement signals the potential for a "large" child. not only was i aware of my son after the first few months, he was 3 weeks late, and weighed almost 10 pounds at birth! (don't even get me started on my ob/gyn who, after i'd passed my due date & saw him weekly for "updates", would pat my stomach and gleefully chirp something like, "yep, this is one big kid".) sigh. today, my son is 6'5".

oh, and good luck with that jujyfruit/dove bar/jelly belly ban... trust me, something happens with child number 2 that causes those terrific nutritional intentions to go to shit! (maybe that's because it happens with #2? just asking...)

thanks for stopping by and for the lovely message! sorry i've been away for the past few days (thanks to that bout with the flu). not to worry, tho', 'cuz i washed my hands reallyreally well before i came over, to insure i don't expose you to any unnecessary flu germage! : D

sunshine scribe said...

Screw the books. If you feel him .. its him. You know your body best.

Now I am craving Dove bars and processed cheese ... thanks

cathy said...

jujyfruits & jelly bellies=fruit.

dove bars=dairy.

all is right with the world.

macboudica said...

I felt early, about 13 weeks actually, with my last pregnancy. Turns out it was twins.

mothergoosemouse said...

You are a nicer mommy (mummy) than I am. I cringe thinking about how many raisins my girls would eat if I let them have free rein.

I felt my second move at about the same point in my PG that I felt my first move (13 weeks, give or take), and neither one was large. The second was actually almost a full pound smaller than the first.

Enjoy those flutters. What an incredible sensation. Takes your mind off the nausea.

motherhooduncensored said...

Moving babe already? Wowzers. And seriously, I tried so hard with my first pg to eat well and I still gained 70lbs. I even worked out every day - so screw that the next time.

Mom101 said...

Oh my goodness you're not actually reading that What to Expect book are you? It's second only to Sears in my mind. You ARE feeling sproglet move and that's so freaking cool. Congrats on that.

Mmmmm Dove bars.

Ele said...

Isn't the honey we're killing the kids so bad? Well, the brit version I'm sure doesn't fall too far from the American version tree. I love it when they show the original prognosis, and on the screen we, the morally victorious viewer, see 'cute' (and always podgy) children growing in to ugly, ugly people. That's right. Because you are feeding your kids shite they will be unattractive. Got to face it. And then the parents cry. Whereas if you feed them good food, they will grow up to have no facial piercings, and will have glowing highlights rather than perma-bleached-straw for hair. Great formula. Oh, and by the way, there is such a thing as green tea ice cream? Wha?

Her Bad Mother said...

If sproglet is already on the move - and circus action in the belly is good enough evidence for me - then you should be eating as much dairy and carbs (no! do not distinguish between good and bad carbs! that only confuses things!) as you can fill your face with. That is one serious athlete and he/she needs FUEL.

Wonderbread stuffed with processed cheese is an excellent start. But you had better make that *multiple* Dove bars. And don't forget potatoes in any fried incarnation. And ice cream.

Kevin Charnas said...

All that talk of food has me wanting to be pregnant. I do have to say in all seriousness...some seriousness - as I hate being too serious. I enjoy being a man and even though I'm marginalized by society for my sexual orientation, I know I have it really good in our society being a white man. However, I have VERY high regard for women and the woman's incredible body. And I'm jealous, jealous that I won't ever be able to feel what it's like to be pregnant... with life. I think that's just fricking fantastic.

Jozet said...

Yes! This time around I felt gas-like dancing at around 14 weeks that continued on. I think we definitely have a Cirque de Soleil act in the making, lol!

And now, I'm going to get me some DOTS and a jamocha milkshake.

Mental health food.

lildb said...

I thought I was screwy for feeling convinced that I felt a weird, vibrate-y thing happening in my groin when I was about 11-12 weeks, or thereabouts. (you know how time gets pretty hazy when you can't remember when you last kept food down.) and my kid was nearly 9 lbs., so there's more fodder for the big kid theory box.

hooray for you and the sushi, btw! you're almost outta the woods now, baby. now go and celebrate with a large slice of cake. mmmm caaaake.

zeldafitz said...

I agree--now you know what it feels like, so of course you're tuned in to those glorious flutterings. I can't tell you how fun it is to read about someone ELSE's pregnancy--I love all the sensations and memories, but I also love living it vicariously!

Um, have you tried the family size box of Dots? And Cheeze-its, contain ACTUAL cheese, therefore they are VERY good for you! ;-)

Amy (binkytown) said...

"in utero Cirque de Soleil" that sums it up brilliantly! Eat away- worry about that later..

Anonymous said...

Ok, number 1...california rolls and green tea ice cream are health food.

Number 2...I had a friend who ate only strawberry cake for the first 3 months of her pregnancy because she vomited everything else and her kid turned out awesom (aside from looking like a giants strawberry. Kidding.)

~Jenny
http://blogs.chron.com/mamadrama/

Alexa said...

My new favorite adjective="Bo Jangly." Seriously.
Don't look at the "what to expect" section on diet. People who tell you to be "healthy" during pregnancy irk me. WHAT PART OF "EATING FOR TWO" DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?

mama_tulip said...

Sproglet? That's the best in-utero name I think I've ever heard.

Panda said...

I think the Spud started fluttering around 14 weeks. Bugger what the books say. Bugger them right up the a*rse.

Your diet sounds perfectly healthy to me. Somewhat lacking in vitamin Macaroni cheese, but there's still time to work on that.

It's okay, Sweetie said...

I too heard the Expect series was rubbish. And speaking of rubbish, I ate plenty of it during my first pregnancy. My first trimester in fact was all about the drugstore candy aisle. Swedish Fish, Sour patch kids, Peach rings. To this day, something about the sugar sprinkled coating on that candy makes my heart beat faster. Damn, I wish I had a vending machine in my kitchen.

emma kaufmann said...

Joy ... thanks for popping over to my blog and do enjoy stuffing your face with crap!!

Elizabeth said...

Joy, make sure to explain Dove Bars to your friend doow. She's also British, right? I think it's sad if there are no Dove Bars in England. But oh man, the "Ethnic" aisle at Meijers has all those English chocolate bars-Violet Krumble, the Milk Bar, Coffee Crisp. Goooood candy!

I'm really really sorry I didn't email you about my garage sale! I want to meet you, and I had baby stuff for sale. I'll make it up to you I promise!

Suburban Turmoil said...

Wow! Movement. Congrats! It's so much more fun when you can feel them, y'know?

sweatpantsmom said...

Go ahead and eat! You deserve it.

Besides, aren't JujyFruits part of the...fruit group?

mama mia said...

Could be all those jujyfruits and jelly beans are giving that sproglet the bo-jangly fuel! Not to worry, you look fabulous and the little love might as well enjoy all that candy while still on the INside.

Isn't that "What To Eat While Expecting" book just sick? Best used for lighting the charcoal grill.

(formerly "the dago")